If you're in a relationship, you shouldn't feel this way, I think. Some of it, I dare say, is my own disintegrating stronghold. I am not the person I once was, beautifully ignorant of relationships and pragmatic- but now I feel like a constant flurry of ill feelings possess me from day to day. One moment it could be low self confidence, but the next varies just as absurdly. I don't think it's lack of self confidence- I think it is a mixture of not knowing what I want, and knowing exactly what I want and how I'll never get it, never feel it, never be fully satisfied with what I have. I am very lonely. A whole year abroad, I say? To me, it seems like the best choice and the scariest choice- so much of my life will be desperately interrupted- not to say that so much of it isn't as of this moment. I do feel like the time that I'm spending right now focused on people and things, is a waste of time. In just nine months or so I'll be looking at leaving the country for an extended period of time. All that effort that I'm using as of this moment creating relationships and friendships and working and strivng at my job- it feels like, I'm leaving all of it behind in just a short while, what's the use? What's the use of making something that meaningful when I'm going to be gone for so long and I'll be back to square one when I get back? But I'm lonely. And I think about you all the time and don't know what to do with myself. I'm not sure if I'm making a big mistake or not. Part of me feels like, Wow, you're gone- there's no turning back now- you've made your decisions, you have to suffer the consequences... But part of me feels like, Surely this indecision in your heart and your mind must mean something, correct? Surely, surely there is a reason for it all and you don't just make these issues arise in your life out of boredum or stupidity, ignorance, or a combination of said items? This must mean something, and until you know- you must work them out, think about them, dwell on them, turn them over in your hand and poke and prod them- you must for you'll never find out without proper investigation! And I am so lonely. I keep thinking buying a dog will save all my problems- I'll never be lonely again with a dog by my side- and I know as idealistic as having a dog would be, I'd feel tragic to not give it more atheltic time. I'm not a very good pet owner, I should say. I'm not a very good daughter or girlfriend, I am terrible at taking care of things- I don't take care of things- I don't baby sit I don't keep plants I don't house sit or help people care for their animals or do anything like that because I'm terrible at it, forgetfull, careless, and absent minded. I let things fail, or rather- I make things fail. I think I'm very stressed. Nothing I have or am doing right now though is decreasing this stress. I'm not sure where to turn. I'll fight it out somehow I suppose, alone probably.
Sarah being out of the country doesn't help. She is always my back up, my wingman, and with her gone, I have no one to call in the middle of the night to meet me at Waffle House to talk, or go to a bar to play games. I was used to having a boyfriend drop everything to be with me and now with this young fellow I'm with who has more of a life than I do, I'm more often than not at home trying to figure out if I have anyone who would drop what they were doing to come see me. Which I don't. So back to square one: I'm lonely. ~Tory | 
